you must love yourself first..

its summer
i got my belly button peirced
one of my biggest regrets
idk why i thought i would want to draw any attention to the fattest part of my body
i feel like summer it is so easy not to eat though..maybe its the heat
god i cant wait till i reach my gw :100

its weird how i complety forgot that somtimes guys have feelings too
and its just not all hooking up with them
i cant belive i just assume that thats all they want
i feel like its kind of sad that ive learned that from experience
my friend tonight was telling me how he wouldnt take his ex girlfriends virginity even though she was ready.. it just stunned me how much he honestly cared...i wish somone cared about me like that ..it just showed an amazing amount of respect

i got to thinking today how i really only have two modes ...all time high and rock bottom.
it just applies to everything; my moood, the way i deal with people(either love them or hate them), and just evrything is two extremes
when i was watching my old one tree hill seasons ( ha cus im a loser and watch reruns constantly in my free time)
the kids wrote down what they wanted most out of life right now... and i just thought how much i wanted balance.
i never have a in the middle im either extatic or deppresed. im either working out drasticly to a point of exaustion or i dont work out at all..and why should my eating be any diffrent..i dont eat for days then eat full on for an hour strait i want
i just feel like its destructive behaivor...i dont know any other way  :(

hmm okay well in the last two days i have eaten a total of:
two strawberries
one yogurt (60 cals)
and two iced coffes
how many cals are there in a DD carmel coffe with carmel swirl cream and splenda?
for some reason its soo much easier for me not not eat alot on my . weird i knoww

happy mommy day :)

my   nana   is   visiting   us   tm
or   tday   or   whatever   it    is ...
she  is   just  constantly   telling
me  and  my  sister  if   we  have
lost    weight     gained     weight
look        good         look         bad
have   the    wrong     color    nail
polish  etc.    it    sucks     i    hate
dealing   with   it  just   beacause
i have gained...  when i have lost
i am so  happy  to   see  her  and
cant wait  isnt  that   horrible  that
my ED  even  applies   to  seeing
my nana the nana  that  loves me
i  hate  that  it  effects   everything
i cant change it.. its  always  there

im at 700 cals tday i am freaking outt
if i go burn 700 cals at the gym am i safe?

how many cals are there in a bannana?

i need out. i need out of everything out of feeling fat out of theese clothes that are tooo small for me now out of this school with all of theese skinyy ass lucky girls out of this town that doesent feel like home out of my life out of all the situations i dig my self into out of all the bad relationships ive created with people out of my body i needd to get away from everything and i cant i need a stress reliever i just dont know how ughh i need this so bad ive never wanted anything more its soo frustrating that the one thing i want the most that would make me the happiest i can not just natrually have

today my mom hugged me and in a really loving
nice way said "you are really skinny, rose its enough"
i just thought omg if u only knew this is farrrrr off from
anywhere close to enough...i cant stop crying i have
to be careful now when i eat...like breakfast my mom
knows i dont buy it at school...shes gonna make me
eat it at home now help?!?! :(

okay so i kinda did a mini healthy binge that i cut myself off of to go to the gym
im going to try and go for a fast tm since i have a half day ;)
soo happy i hop i can do it
current weigh in 126
also im going to try to get my hands on some diet pillsss
theres some hydroxycut in the house im gonna try that
xxx

sooo did okayy today
i wishh i didnt have to eat breakfast
stupid.... mom always makesss me
practicly force feeds me :(
butt i still dont have a dress i gained bad so i wanna fast idk maybee

i willl have control back i promise myself

food=tears
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

i like never post in my own journal
but im going to for alittle while to tack my goal
i have two goals
one involves my beautiful new pair of jeans
the other a very tight prom dress
i want to fit into them so baddlyy
i can do it
Current progress
jeans: fit but look disgustingly tightt
prom dress: i can zip it up till it hits
my boobs then i have to have somone
else zip it up beacause its so damn tight
but it will get looser :)

ok so i have to loose as much as possible before the 11th
thats when captains starts and i start meeting ppl from my new school
im so scared i want this sooo bad!!

everything is quiet, still
she closes her eyes, takes in the thrill
she takes a breathe, as he gets his fill
she knows to him she is just another
but does not stop, for the possibility
he might love her.

 you still cant make me cry
youve pinned this butterfly down
my fires burning out,
kill this flame without, a frown.
and starving hurts the soul
when your hungry,for some love
so if i close my eyes i can really fly above